My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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