Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
