Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
