Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
