I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
