we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
