Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
