Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
