My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
