i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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