i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
