Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
