True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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