If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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