I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize