You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
