I cannot find my penis.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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