My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
