I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
