OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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