were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
