ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
