: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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