Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
