apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
