I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I will be naked everywhere
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
