I can text with my tongue
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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