Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
