i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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