Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
