Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
