He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I deserve this hangover.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
