The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm having to shit out rocks
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
