college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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