There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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