you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
