She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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