Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
