I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
