I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
