those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
