then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
