I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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