he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
