his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
