Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
