awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
