My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
