I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
