So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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