Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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