Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
