Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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