I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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