i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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