get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
